From (nowhere near) Russia with Love

Time: 7pm
Place: Deep in the Gay Heartland of Soho
Agent: Federal Working Operative HW a.k.a. FWOHW
Mission: To seek, identify and capture Mr Right from amongst 51 decoy models
Window of Opportunity: 3 minutes


1856 hours: Enter the de-militarised zone between homo and hetero territories. Pink-shirt-with-chest-hair camouflage accepted by locals and queue successfully infiltrated. While awaiting entry potential Target A identified and analysed for suitability.

Darcy factor? [Check] 6’4” tall. Straight gay-man quotient? [Good] Sequin scan is clear. Mental stability? Uncertain at this point, but high borrowability of leather jacket a strong mediating factor. Request permission to engage with target. Granted.

1906 hours: Target A [Codename: The Barrister] leaves queue and moves into position at back of bar. Interrogation suggests close match. Target tagged for later tracking.

1907 hours: Arrive at front of queue and encounter first obstacle; The Gatekeeper. Mission Control has done its homework; The Gatekeeper identifies FWOHW from clipboard and sticks tag to chest. Lingering application of sticker and repetitive patting of shirt suggests Gatekeeper as Target B. Logical analysis overwhelmed by whoa!-helloooooo… effect. Unauthorised flirtation ensues.

1915 hours: Misson guidelines announced by The[yesplease!]Gatekeeper. Fifty-one targets are identified through a numerical tagging system. Odds sit, evens rotate every three minutes. Sexually-suggestive banter required between rotations. Targets must secretly classify each other on a scorecard as ‘Yes’, ‘No’ or ‘Friend’. Classifications may be annotated with helpful descriptions such as “Cute But Dumb”, “The Fat Bald One” and “Oh My God As IF” for later reference.

1921 hours: Speed dating begins in earnest.

1924 hours: “Hiya! I work in the Weights and Measures Department for the Government. We control Time by counting the vibrations of helium atoms. It’s fantastic!” Negative.

1927 hours: “So you’re walking into the ocean and you’re allowed to take one oversized inflatable with you. What’s it gonna be?” Logic suggests your head.

1930 hours: “So buddy [wink], you’ve got a minute. Impress me.” Mission Control, request authorisation to kill.

2043 hours: Scorecard reads: Irish [tick] big nose [x]. Pretty boy [tick] camptastic [x]. Funny funny [bonus points] one earlobe longer than other [x]. Banker [tick tick] dickhead twat toss-pot [x]. Kurdish [xx] dental PhD [xxx].

2045 hours: Interrogation break. Infiltrate bar area to consider options. Options include triple G+T and vodka cranberry shots.

2056 hours: Mission Control authorise deployment of Tactile Response Unit. Approach Target B with faulty numerical sticker. Target B concurs on unacceptability of bent corner. Removes sticker [brush of skin: tick] and replaces with handwritten version [leaning on chest: tick]. Unnecessary eye contact indicates a hit.

2120 hours: Speed dating resumes.

2233 hours:Scorecard reads: Welsh [tick] sewerage worker [tick]. Skinny arms [tick] ginger [yesplease]. Self-absorbed egotistical wanker [tick]. Stripes with spots [genius]. Romanian peasant hunny [tick tick]. Kurdish [fascinating] dental PhD [perfect match].

2250 hours: Mission Control recall FWOHW on suspicion of poisoning. Symptoms include loss of auxiliary control and diminished analytical reasoning.

2253 hours: Target A departs with a nod and a smile. Target B’s telephonic communicator digits captured.

2300 hours: Return to civilian territory. Scorecard microfilm safe. Mission reported as a success.